I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
