Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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