She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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