I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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