I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
