i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
