When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
