rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
