New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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