My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
