1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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