well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
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He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
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she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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