I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
be right there i have to get my cape
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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