I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
