From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
