If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
