If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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