Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
