I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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