In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
