you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
