Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
They took my balls.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
