I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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