Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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