Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
