I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
