I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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