Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
