A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
