i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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