literally had 100 drinks last night.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
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we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
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I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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