6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Randomize
