i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
