She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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