I think i peed on brittanys purse
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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