He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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