Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
