so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
