Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
