Moan for me like Helen Keller
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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