I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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