non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
