I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just had sex on a roof
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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