it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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