i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize