I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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