I CAN MOONWALK!
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
