I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
