I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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