don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
