'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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