Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
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She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
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How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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