Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
