plz talk dirty to me
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Non-Jews are for practice
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
