Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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