All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
