Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
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So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
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I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
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